rock n' roll, no heart and soul

i've been having trouble writing these days, more particularly with this current commission i'm working on.

the culprit: me. i think i'm trying too hard to sound smart? like, it's a given that i'm always very hard on myself when it comes to writing in general. but i can't help it when i want things to sound right ... sound perfect? prolific? educated? all of the above? also, i have an affinity to always include proper plot in everything i write, that's why i always end up producing longfic, even if sometimes it can just be a stand alone pwp without any backbone or backstory. it's a disease at this point.

when i came to this conclusion: commissioner was surprised i was having trouble writing their request, when it was just simple a + b = c. it made me realize that i tend to overcomplicate things that don't need to be. which brings me back to my crisis of wanting to only write meaningful things, or rather Needing to write plot. which all boils down to me wanting to sound smart, and prolific and meaningful, when really, no one would care if i just turned insane and just wrote plotless porn or fic in general.

but i've yet to unlearn this. i've yet to let go, and it's honestly driving me insane. it led me to making three (3) active wips for this particular commission because i Had to add plot or else i will lose my value/essence as a writer or that i'm less of a ~cool~ put-together, smart storyteller. which is groundless and stupid and silly.

but. that's my mindset rn and i'm trying to work on it. really. i am.